My sister and I have always had a hot and cold relationship. We get along for a few years and then have a falling out and then not speak for a while.
The problem we come up against is always a varient of the same issue. She makes promises she does not keep and I feel slighted and get angry and she doesn’t want to deal with my anger so she withdraws. She never says she’s sorry. She just gets defensive and stops talking to me.
I have been dealing with this for 49 years. When I was single, her behavior often made me feel valueless. When I married, and I married late (37), my husband saw her behavior as distructive for me and told me not to interact with her. And in fact I stopped calling and emailing and participating in her life, though I still sent presents and cards to her kids on their birthdays and holidays.
We didn’t speak for several years until I had my son, at 40. She called me and wanted to see my child and we started talking again. It was tenuous, our dialog always frought with agitation, but we kept in contact through the birth of my second child and for years after, up until about 4 weeks ago.
My sister has been a marginal part of my childrens life since their birth. It’s hard to get her attention most of the time. Though she remembers my kids birthdays (sometimes after the fact), she generally sends cards and gifts. She rarely calls. Unless I do the drive to her house five hours away, she rarely comes to see us.
Recently she moved to Washington State and now that drive is no longer possible. She had invited my family (my kids now 5 and 
up to her new home for our end of summer vacation. Four weeks ago she withdrew the offer as others she’d invited slated themselves for the same time period as our family and she was concerned it would be too hecktic.
Replanning a summer vacation at the beginning of summer is somewhat problematic for us. It’s expensive and most things are booked by end of spring. My kids were very disappointed that we weren’t going up to visit her. The times we’ve spent together she’s been kind to my children and they like her very much.
When she recinded her offer I sent her an email saying how disappointed I was and the kids would be. She called me and yelled at me for not understanding her position and hung up and I haven’t spoken to her since. My birthday was this last Sat. and she did not call, or send a card or acknowledge me in any way.
Once again my heart is broken by her and once again I am sitting in the position of debating how to handle this situation. If it were me alone I would tell her to f*** off and not speak with her again. But she is the aunt to my kids, who like her, even love her, a lot. So what do I do with that?
How do I let go of my relationship with my sister and have her still acknowledge my children? I don’t want to be involved in her life. I don’t want to have virtually anything to do with her. I am sick of being let down by her and then being yelled at when I express my disappointment. She hurts me, hurts my kids and I’m just supposed to take it for the few times a year she acknowledges us?
What do I do? How do I keep her in the loop of being an aunt to my children and keep distance from her? I fear that she’s just selfish enough to ignore my children if I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to hurt my kids, but I don’t want to be hurt by her either. What should I do?
J. Cafesin
www.jcafesin.com